Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
