can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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