We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
