If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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