you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
