someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
