I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
