She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
