I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize