On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
last night I used snow as a chaser
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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