Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
