I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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