Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
