the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
