somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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