i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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