She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize