My girlfriend figured out who you are.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
