Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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