Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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