I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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