and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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