Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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