My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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