Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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