ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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