Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
