Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
