what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
