My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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