Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
