Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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