Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Come on in and take your pants off
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
