TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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