that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
