Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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