maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
