its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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