Cold hands, warm shart.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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