So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Welp...herpes.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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