We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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