Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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