We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize