I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
