Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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