I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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