I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
