The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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