FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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