hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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