So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
