It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
