So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
