Pants 0. Shit 1.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
