Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
