i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
