i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
