My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
