I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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