omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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