So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
